black dot .

i thought that i have already erased the black "dot" in my memory
and
i thought i can handle it in an easier way
thats why
i choose to be more carefree when i talk about it
i choose to look and sound normally when i talk about it
sometimes i choose to talk about it as i wanted to make it as if it is just any other normal "thing" on the earth
yet i m wrong

i should have tried to avoid it
cause now it is haunting me again

who can i blame
is my own fault
being stupid and naive(?)
i m sure that it was not me during that time
even now
i wanted to make it sound normal
but when i m trying to convince myself about it
it somehow failed

another solution for it
i shall avoid it from now onwards
seriously
i dunno why
now it is haunting my mind
this black dot
can never be erased
though i thought i have got over it
ppl might not think so if they have seen the way how i handle it
but i have no choice
i got a shock as well as in the way how i handle it
this is not the way that i wanted
really
but the 1st time when i did it
i have left no choice other than acting normally
though at the first place i wanted to ignore
BUT
i cant!!!
and it has lead me to the wrong conclusion
which is
i thought i have erased it
and i can face it normally

i m getting worried now
but then
again
this time is my own fault
i shouldnt be so "carefree" when it comes to this matter
cause it has been a long time that i have not been reminded about this black dot
untill i have forgotten that i should at least set a limit on that
so
now the outcome is
i m being haunted by this black dot again

ARGHHHH!!!!

i hope everything ll turn okay
Lord,
i really pray that things ll not happen in the way that i do not wish to
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and i just realised
i feel ashamed of myself
it is always when i m down or stress or having any negative thinking
then i ll think about God is being with me all the time
other than that
i tend to leave Him aside
i know He ll never forsake us
Is us who ll tend to stay far away from Him
He ll always be there waiting for us
extending out His hands to greet us
Is us who ll ignore Him

Lord,
pls forgive me
nowadays i have been skipping my daily bible study routine
nowadays prayer somehow has been lacking in my daily life
nowadays i dont even think about You (the idea ll just pop out for a sec and then disappear again)

sometimes
i just feel painful that i have taken Your grace for granted

Lord,
pls forgive me and pls give me strength and determintion
so that my spiritual growth ll continue growing :)
and i ll always focus on You :)

dunno why
after writing this
i feel much better
i believe God knows whats the best for us
if things happen in the way that i do not wish to
somehow, God ll always have a solution for us so that we can solve it :)
if not
God ll always give us strength to endure it :)