do you like medicine?

yesterday jessi asked us

so do you really like medicine?

she asked so as she hasnt decided which course she should takes up as she is now on a gap year

i hesitated
and i asked myself
do i like medicine?
unsurprisingly, the answer was and it will always be is i don't know
well, of course i did not choose this course randomly
cause i seriously dont like physics
chemistry (nah still okay but not my stuff)
so i ended up "likin" biology
and when i was trying to figure out what should i apply for my JPA scolarship
after reading through the list
medicine and denstistry look appealing to me
at certain point, i nearly wanted to change my course from medic to dentistry on my application form
BUT THEN, i dont wish to just face the teeth all my life
so in the end, medic stays on my form
*to be frank, during primary and secondary school, i have always wanted to be a lawyer. Why? i don't know, this profession just attracts me ever since i got to know this profession.*
and even if i dont get JPA, i would still stick to medicine after form 6
why?
i dont like bioscience etc well let put it into a simple word
i dont like lab works!

yeah,
sometimes i really have no idea why at the first place i have chosen to study medicine
and i ll try to give up some crappy reason which sounds very noble and great
for example
because i would like to help those needy ppl, because i would like to contribute to the society by saving others ppl life etc
but if i give it a deeper thought,
yes i DO want to help others with the knowledge that i m going to learn within the 6 years course
but i have such thoughts AFTER i started my medical study not BEFORE my medical study

but then
i thank God that as time passes by,
the will of wanting to help other and be a good doctor has been growing stronger and stronger
yet,
weird enough to say,
there is no specific reason for such changes.

i really dont know why i have chosen medicine
and i dont see a reason why i should find myself a reason
as the time will tell me why
besides that,
i have never thought of giving up to study medicine
and this reason is more than enough to assure me that i need not find a reason for that.

anyhow,
sometimes
i might be wondering
why God grants me JPA scholarship to study medicine
when at times i might be thinking such a person like me who is lazy and hope for an easy life
has been given the privilage to study medicine under scholarship.
He indeed has been gracious to me all the time!
but
seriously, sometimes i ll be wondering, i should just get married to some one who loves me and willing to 养我(sorry cant find a suitable english word for that)
and
i ll just be a housewife.
taking care of household chores, looking after my children etc
isnt that sounds very wonderful and nice
you have your own family to take care of and they ll be bonded to you FOREVER, like it or not =P
and when i m old, i just need to take care of my cucu-cicit (grandchildren), having them sitting around my rocky chair *awwwwwwwwwwwh*
most important thing is, you wont be pushing yourself to hard, squeezing your brain like crazy, tension like hell, heart throbbing everytime sitting for exam, waiting for the result..
you wont be exploiting your cortisol and torturing your adrenal gland whenever the alarm of stress rings!

ANYWAY, i m not questioning God.
in the other way, i give thaks to Him and He opens a door for me which makes my future looks clearer, He gives me the frame of my future. If not, i guess i m still wondering what my future ll be looked like.

YET
a person like me who ll get bored with the same thing over some times (yeah i hate to admit it but i m such person *sigh*)
i know i ll never be satisfied (somehow) with an easy-going life though i m longing to have 1
therefore, i know i can only fulfill my dream(yeah is my dream) when i m old enough and have already retired.
at that time, supposedly, my grown up children ll be getting married and getting me grandchildren.
at that time, hehe i ll be busy of taking care them, telling them story while sitting at the rocky chair (forgive me, i have this fantasy on grandparents should sit on rocky chair with theis granchildren around them)
with this NOBLE task occupying me
i know i ll be satisfied and wont get bored.

oh-oh!! should start finding 1 now so that my dream will come true=P
and yes! i m a family person (i hope) =)

PS: sorry for the crap on the last part XD

i ll end with the verse that we have learned last week

May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my redeemer!

psalm 19:14

Amen!